A Letter I will Never Send

Dear XXXX,

Cant believe I am starting it this with these words, but I’m sorry for everything and the way things ended. I’m sorry I couldn’t be whatever or whoever you needed me to be for you to be able to grow with me. I wish things turned out differently. You were the only person I ever saw myself growing old with. Despite all of the pain you put me through, and all of the pain i caused you.

But what i am not sorry for is having to walk away, we couldn’t have a healthy family the way things were going. Hell neither of us were happy despite having everything we could have asked for. A house, a crappy car, our son, and each other. And its breaking my heart to admit that.

I tried forgiving you for everything, but it was never enough. You still lied to me when it counted. For whatever reason our love for each other wasnt enough to fix the issues we had and continue to grow together. I will be honest, yes i also had a part to play in the way the story ended. But i tried my hardest to make up for it. I really did.

I still miss you, I still love you wholeheartedly. What i dont miss was the disrespect, the anger, the lies, and the abuse. I miss all of the little things, i miss the fact you were my best friend even when everything was bad.

I loved the fact you knew how i liked my coffee, or that we shared so many common interests, or that we could talk about any and everything and dream together.

The bigger things were half of the issue, ontop of our inability to communicate with each other about or insecurities and fears. I know til the day i breathe my last, no one will ever be as close to me as you still are, because i dont want anyone to ever replace what we had. Also, I dont want anyone to have the power to hurt me on such a deep level.

I loved how you knew by just looking at me what mood i was feeling, or by the songs i listened to what was going through my head. I just wish things were different, we were supposed to be together forever. And yes that’s a childish dream, but you had the best and the worst of me.

Losing everything has hurt more than words can describe. Trying to continue past it has started taking a toll. Because you’re the person i want to turn to. You have been that person from the day we met. And yeah, you used so much i told you against me. And hurt me in ways that right now i feel i will never heal from. But yet, I am still wanting to forgive you for everything and try again. Knowing i cant. Knowing it will only do so much damage to our son and both of us.

He doesn’t deserve to see us like that, he deserves to see us happy. Even if that means we can’t work things out. Even if that means we both have to become who we wanted to be with each other, with other people. Or even alone. I never wanted that to be the case. The thought makes me so angry, but i cant deny you happiness. It just upsets me to think we put almost 8 years into each other, and still i couldn’t be what you needed. So if i was to see you able to do that with someone else would be like a slap in the face.

And well maybe that’s what you want. Hell, maybe that’s what you deserve. I know you deserve to be happy. I just wish that it could have been with me. I wish we could have fixed everything, i wish you never hurt me the way you did beyond just physically. And i wish i could have somehow made things easier for you to be able to grow and change and nurture the genuine good person beyond all of the anger and resentment and hostility.

I know i am rambling now, and repeating things. It’s what i tend to do when i have a lot on my mind, but you already know that. Not sure what else to put, my feelings are just too much so I’ll sign it here.

Sincerely,

Someone you could never truly see behind the damaged me.

P.s. Why do you enjoy tormenting me?

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