Hope and Love

From where I stand I feel that there’s really only hope and love. Mainly, I guess, hope that there is enough love. My circle couldn’t get much smaller and I love those in it in a way and with a level of loyalty that most people’s minds can’t comprehend. Well, they could if they would open their minds and let go of … I’m not even sure exactly, themselves? Everything? Take off the blinders? But, that’s not likely to happen. So, most people continue about their lives not giving much thought to anyone outside their own little circles. And likely, they don’t even really, genuinely consider them. These, are the comfortably numb of the population. Then there are the bullies. They may not appear that way to most. But, these are some of the people who see how things really are. And use this knowledge to greedily or inhumanly advance. They know what’s up with the human race. With life. But, they will never admit it. In my experience, they tend to look down upon and put down the few people they encounter throughout their lives, like me, who typically have a very small circle and seem to be loners or stick to themselves, who are quiet or kind or ‘too’ nice. Like the bullies, these people also see the world for what it is and what’s going on and what’s become of people and life. And, realize and understand that these things simply cannot be faced or admitted by, most everyone. So, many times people will go on the attack against those of us capable of honest love or abiding loyalty or someone truly incapable of judgement of another. Someone who can offer an ear/shoulder to cry on. Or who someone can confide in when they know they fucked up bad and just need to tell someone, to get it off their chest. Or when shit seems its very worst and they feel hopeless and lost and alone. Someone to help carry their burden. To just take away some of their pain. Because life is fucking hard and its fact that everyone needs that person sometimes. And from what I can tell there’s a plethora of people in need and a very real, very sad shortage of us who are capable of being that person, these days. So people tend to try to make us the problem. Try to make us feel bad, I think, so they don’t have to feel bad themselves or because they fear being exposed and usually delve into the whole you can’t fix them or you can’t save everyone routine. Or, how many times are you going to go running when they call, they’ll ask. And for me, my answer will never change. It will always be the same. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Let me say now, I’m not trying to fix or save anyone. And I’m far from perfect or faultless. I am confident in who and what I am. But who am I to fix another being? I’m still working on my own soul. Yet, still, I recognize that I can offer something not many people possess these days. I don’t know if it’s the same for all of us but I’ve thought a lot about how and why and what makes people the ways they are, etc. So, for myself personally, what I think I’ve come up with is that it’s almost not even a choice. As shit as this sounds, when it comes right down to it, nothing and no one else in this whole existence matters but me, myself. Not the person in need or the asshole I’m trying to explain myself to. No one. It comes down to me and what’s in my heart. My heart has never experienced the feeling of hate. In my heart I am loyal to a fault. And in my heart I cannot judge. In my heart there is never a choice other than kindness and goodness and to try to bring ease or comfort to someone. And to go out of my way to avoid bringing hurt to others. Even at certain personal emotional cost, I’m going to be there. Every time. No matter what. Because I can handle it. Because that’s how I’m built. And I will maintain up until I realize I would be sacrificing myself completely. My own being. And then my mind and heart go into meltdown/self destruct/protection mode it seems. It’s literally self preservation at that point and I dont understand that part of myself yet, to be honest. Of course, there’s always the, ‘they wouldn’t do it for you’ crowd. My response to that is … it’s not my business or concern if they would or not. It’s a thought that would never even enter my mind. It makes absolutely no difference to me whether they would or wouldn’t do it for me. I don’t even really understand why/how that is relevant. How is that ever even a thought in someone else’s head? In my mind, at the end of the day, if you can, you should. And as stated before, most can’t. The bullies won’t. The ‘comfortably numbs’ as a whole seem to have the permanent ‘what can I get out of this?’ mindset and are preoccupied with just getting ahead. Trying to figure out how to get the jump on everyone else for fear of getting taken or screwed over and worrying how they will look to everyone else if they do. I suppose they need that tho. Without that enormous distraction they likely would see the truth. I do want to say that, personal safety may at times come into play in some situations and should not be ignored. For me, I feel I have a fairly stable grasp now on the people I allow closest to me. And I am completely honest with myself if I feel they may not always or if I definitely know that they do not have my best interests or care for my well being in mind. Knowing that changes nothing in my heart and mind. I will still always find a way to be there for them. Just maybe a little more cautiously. Even still, I try to remind myself that perception IS subjective and reality is constantly changing for everyone and each in different ways. And there are no guarantees. Most times you can never really know what someone else is thinking and that is not to be forgotten. So, for those of you right now just needing someone, look for us. We’ve got you. And, to those who feel the need to try to put down or demean, or humble or blame the other people out there who can and do take on the pain and burden for others when possible, just remember that one day, undoubtedly it will be you HOPING there’s enough LOVE. And that one of us around.

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